Get that monkey off your back
This was never going to be easy as I'd had trouble with getting monkeys before. If you can't be bothered to click that link then advertising for a monkey wasn't going to work, buying a monkey off the internet was probably illegal and the logistics of going to Africa or the sub-continent seemed too much like hard work.
The answer was in that previous post and closer to home. The monkey drive-thru at Longleat Safari Park. The monkeys there love climbing on cars so what if I could get them to climb on me.
As an incentive for the monkeys to climb on me I invented a 'food vest'. I borrowed a fire warden's gilet from work and over a couple of nights used double-sided sticky tape to attach various types of nuts and berries.
So not to arouse suspicion at Longleat the food vest was stowed away until I was in the monkey drive-thru. When I was far enough in I stopped the car, got out and put on the vest. I scattered some more food and soon monkeys were showing an interest. I ignored the horns from the cars behind and knelt down offering the tasty snacks taped to my back.
It worked! A monkey jumped on to my back! I went to stand up so I could get him off my back but overbalanced and fell to the ground. The other monkeys saw this as an invitation to eat so rushed me while I was on the floor. As well as the food vest they were clawing at me while I flailed at them, sinking under a tide of monkeys.
I heard a monkey yelp simultaneously with a loud 'crack' noise. The monkeys started to scatter. I then felt a sting in my arm. I looked down and saw a tranquiliser dart. I felt sleepy...
Conclusion One: Probably best not to get a monkey on your back in the first place.
Conclusion Two: That's strong stuff in those tranquiliser darts.
Conclusion Three: I am banned from zoos and wildlife parks for five years.
