Me versus sausage and sizzle

You don't sell the sausage, you sell the sizzle

I've never been a salesman, I don't have the personality for it, but I was going to have to learn fast to test this one out. I'd booked a pitch at a local 'sausage and ale trail' (SausAle22!) so needed to be sales fit.

I did buy a couple of sales books but they were pretty boring and there was cricket on tv so I might have been a little bit undercooked patter-wise when the big day arrived.

I found my SausAle22! pitch (I'm sure they stick all the first-timers a bit around the corner near the portaloos) and when the event was formally opened by the mayor at noon my grill was set up and ready to go.

It didn't take long before the sausages were making a great noise and my first customers were gathering. I thought I'd open the conversation (a tip from chapter one of 'Put Wind in Your Sales' by Conway Tench) which went as follows...

Me: Welcome to Sizzleys. What can I get you?

Customer: Two sausages please.

Me: Sorry, I'm not selling sausages.

Customer: What?

Me: No, I'm not selling sausages. I'm selling sizzle.

Customer: What the hell's 'sizzle'?

Me: That sound they're making while I'm cooking them.

Customer: Excuse me?

Me: The sound. I'm selling that. £2 please.

Customer: £2! What for?

Me: Well, you're listening to the sizzle aren't you? £2. Per sausage. Or £1.50 if you're partially deaf.

There was a bit of confusion and a discussion in the crowd before the customer said something I couldn't quite catch and walked off. About three minutes later they came back with someone who turned out to be the organiser of the event. It soon became clear they didn't want to buy sizzle either. 

I was asked for my food safety certificate. I replied that I didn't have one because I wasn't selling food. I was selling sound. I offered to show them my noise risk assessment certificate.

This obviously touched a nerve because after a brief discussion they turned my gas off and asked me to leave. And not come back. Ever.

Conclusion One: There's a chance I'm really bad at selling sizzle.

Conclusion Two: I'd like to think that it wasn't about me and more about people's negative attitudes toward purchasing sizzle. Was it a pricing thing?

Conclusion Three: What am I going to do with all these sausages? It's like that time with the bacon. What is it with clichés and pork products?

Me versus sledgehammers and nuts

Take a sledgehammer to crack a nut

I was going to need a couple of items to get this one done. A sledgehammer and some, nuts.

I started with the sledgehammer. Only one place to go for this - Peter Gabriel. I sent him a tweet asking if I could borrow one but didn't hear back. Next I wrote to his record label, three times, and finally got a reply asking me to stop contacting them otherwise they'd get the law involved.

'Don't give up' I told myself. So, after a bit of research it turns out there are companies that hire out tools meaning that was the sledgehammer sorted.

As for the nuts, we have a twisted hazel bush/mini-tree in the garden which produces its own nuts so I knew I could take a couple of swings at it for free. It didn't really work. The nuts just went flying off and hit the fence and we now have less of a twisted hazel bush/mini-tree in the garden. The nuts remained resolutely un-cracked.

A quick trip to the supermarket and I was ready with a nut assortment for phase two. I started with placing a walnut on one of the paving slabs and walloped it. The result was some sort of nut powder where it was hard to tell what was nut and what was shell, and a cracked paving slab.

I moved to the lawn with a brazil nut. Another disappointment. The sledgehammer simply drove the nut several inches into the lawn which will make mowing it difficult for a few weeks.

Last try, coconut. This was surely going to work. Well, yes and no. The sledgehammer did crack it but I then spent four hours in accident and emergency waiting to have stitches in my shins after the sharp coconut shell shards flew into them at high speed. That also meant I couldn't get the sledgehammer back to the hire shop on time and I lost my deposit. Not a great day, all things considered.

Conclusion One - don't do this, it's silly.

Conclusion Two - if you must hit a coconut with a sledgehammer, wear shin pads.

Conclusion Three - I don't even like fresh coconut.