I was going to need a couple of items to get this one done. A sledgehammer and some, nuts.
I started with the sledgehammer. Only one place to go for this - Peter Gabriel. I sent him a tweet asking if I could borrow one but didn't hear back. Next I wrote to his record label, three times, and finally got a reply asking me to stop contacting them otherwise they'd get the law involved.
'Don't give up' I told myself. So, after a bit of research it turns out there are companies that hire out tools meaning that was the sledgehammer sorted.
As for the nuts, we have a twisted hazel bush/mini-tree in the garden which produces its own nuts so I knew I could take a couple of swings at it for free. It didn't really work. The nuts just went flying off and hit the fence and we now have less of a twisted hazel bush/mini-tree in the garden. The nuts remained resolutely un-cracked.
A quick trip to the supermarket and I was ready with a nut assortment for phase two. I started with placing a walnut on one of the paving slabs and walloped it. The result was some sort of nut powder where it was hard to tell what was nut and what was shell, and a cracked paving slab.
I moved to the lawn with a brazil nut. Another disappointment. The sledgehammer simply drove the nut several inches into the lawn which will make mowing it difficult for a few weeks.
Last try, coconut. This was surely going to work. Well, yes and no. The sledgehammer did crack it but I then spent four hours in accident and emergency waiting to have stitches in my shins after the sharp coconut shell shards flew into them at high speed. That also meant I couldn't get the sledgehammer back to the hire shop on time and I lost my deposit. Not a great day, all things considered.
Conclusion One - don't do this, it's silly.
Conclusion Two - if you must hit a coconut with a sledgehammer, wear shin pads.
Conclusion Three - I don't even like fresh coconut.
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